Snarky thoughts about The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

[amethyst73]

Here are my slight MST3K-ish thoughts about The Hobbit: Unexpected Journey.  They're pretty much in order as I thought them, and I kept the original thoughts without regard to later information.  And they're not all snarky, even.

Dear Ian Holme:  There is no way ou are going to finish writing the entirety of The Hobbit before you up and disappear tomorrow.  (Right, you finish it in Rivendell, I forgot.)  But why are you writing up a super-long adventure when you should probably be making party preparations?  Like, wrapping presents for everyone or something?

Dear Elijah Wood:  Yes, it's nice to see you, but please 'splain just why you're onscreen?

We learn during dinner that Dwarves are astonishingly gluttonous, crass, impolite, thankless beings.  But that they have a surprisingly high Dex when it comes to washing dishes

Note to Bilbo: Gandalf has as good as told you that you're going to be facing the dragon all by your onesies.  Stick to your guns and say no!

Wow. Bilbo can run fast enough to catch up to a bunch of ponies!

There is a Scary Giant White Orc in a backstory clip who Thorin thinks is dead.  Gee, ya think it's really dead?  My guess is that he will be the primary villain in Movie #2.

No similarity between the Dwarves and the Jews here.  Nothing to see, please move along.

Dear Radagast: Yes, I care about the po' little hedgehog dying on your kitchen table too, but shouldn't you be doing something trying to protect the forest as a whole?  

Dear Radagast and Gandalf: You're basically demigods, right?  Gandalf, I understand you don't really want to blow your cover to this bunch of Dwarves, but Radagast, I think the forest creatures will still love you if you DO SOMETHING DEMIGOD-LIKE TO SAVE THE FOREST.

Dear Richard Armitage: Yes, you look great when you have those Noble Head Shots.  But haven't you had enough of them yet?

I don't remember mountain trolls being nearly this coherent.  Maybe when you're not under the whip of a bunch of goblins or orcs or whatever, you have time to develop social skills and learn to speak Common?

Yay for Kili, and for the Dwarves realizing that archery is a Useful Skill!

And… the Dwarves get their backsides hauled out of the trolls' fire - literally - by Gandalf.  Does Gandalf's timely arrival count as a demi-Deus ex machina?

"Galadriel will be modeling a new style we call the Column Gown.  It splendidly drapes the curves of her fine Elvish legs for as many hours as Galadriel chooses to stand absolutely still.  This style is not recommended when sudden movements such as walking must be made.  Also, please note that wearing this gown requires a small staff to follow the wearer and carefully arrange the train every time the wearer wishes to properly display the Column style."

Hey, Lord Elrond must have remembered to take his medication this week!

Dear Saruman: Whuh?  We thought you were supposed to still be good at this point in time!

Dear Gandalf and Galadriel: No.  No, no, no, no.  Just… no.

Wait, where did the giant Transformers tone Giants come from?  Please go back to wherever it was. And we don't really need a preview of that carnival ride.

Goblin-King is huge.  Goblin-King is ugly.  Rather like the trolls, Goblin-King is also surprisingly intelligent and well-spoken.

Goblins had writing?

Goblins had zipline technology?

Oh, good, here comes Gandalf to save their bacon again.  The Dwarves are getting very good at Running Away.

We don't need a preview of the swinging-bridge carnival ride either, thanks very much.

(I have nothing to say about the riddle-game, it was just perfect.  I sort of wish there were reasons to bring Gollum back in the other movies, but there isn't, and it would break things if he were.  Oh well.)

Dear Goblin-King: Your Dying Quip(™) would have been more appropriate if there were more Quips(™) in the movie in general.  As it is, it feels really out of place. (Even though it is funny.)

Oh, look, it's the Scary Giant White Orc! And he's even ahead of schedule!  

[Moth robo-voice:] "Hello!  Thank you for contacting Eagle Cab Service.  You will have a wait time of approximately [tiny pause] six [tiny pause] minutes while the  Eagle Cab makes its way to your current location.  Please be patient, and thank you for using Eagle Cab!"

Dear Gandalf: May I point out that hurling flaming pinecones while perched high up in a resinous tree is not a good long-term survival plan?

Ah, the Aves-ex-Machina have arrived.  Time to Run Away again!

Ooo, the Scary Giant White Orc gets to terrorize them in the next ovie too!

It's a little sad when the CG thrush is less realistic-looking than the CG giant eagles.